My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
