i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
