Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
