Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
