just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
