I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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