First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize