If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
