i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
