I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
