and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
