Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
