my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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