on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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