what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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