Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
