So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
how does that bad decision feel?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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