my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
