Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
