overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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