I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
