I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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