Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
