I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
