dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
