As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
