he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
two words...techno handjob
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
