Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
