I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
