We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
