Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
