so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
