maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
