I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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