were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
