if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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