he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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