I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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