no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
