please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
