I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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