Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
