I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
