I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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