Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
