i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
