you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
