Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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