I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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