she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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