I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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