"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
